Unwanted patterns consist of feelings, thoughts, or behaviors we would like to change, but we find our attempts to change either totally or nearly continuously unsuccessful.
Even when we progress towards changing those behaviors or feelings, our progress is often very tentative after a period of partial success. It is straightforward to lapse into the old pattern as if no progress had even been made.
Most of us have unwanted patterns that we would like to change. Whether it’s a bad habit, negative thought pattern, or behavior that’s no longer serving us, we all have something we’d like to overcome. The good news is that changing these patterns and creating new, healthier ones is possible. Here are some tips for overcoming unwanted habits:
1. Identify the pattern. The first step is becoming aware of the pattern you want to change. This may require some introspection and self-reflection. Once you’ve identified the pattern, you can begin to take steps to change it.
2. Understand the roots. Why does this pattern exist? What are the underlying causes? When you understand the roots of the pattern, it can be easier to change it.
3. Create a plan. What steps do you need to take to change the pattern? What will help you?
Most of the Unwanted patterns:
Most of the time, Unwanted patterns are a combination of behaviors and feelings/thoughts. Some examples of behaviors that one could categorize as unwanted patterns are:
- Always getting involved with the wrong kind of man
- Not socializing as much as one would want
- Not confronting someone who is making you angry or hurt
- Taking on much more than your share of the responsibility to keep the peace and
- Not taking the steps necessary to bring about that job change or further your education as planned.
Sometimes unwanted patterns may consist of feelings that persist in one’s mind. These feelings are often negative, not ones we would live with if we had a choice. Some examples of such feelings are anxiety, depression, dread, anger, hatred, and feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.
These feelings often represent inappropriate ways of dealing with a particular life problem for the person experiencing the emotion. For example, a man in treatment recently reported a dread whenever he thought about going to Florida to retire.
When asked what he was planning to do when he started living there, he began to rattle a list of things he did NOT want to do, such as take a part-time job below a certain wage level, work at a certain part-time job, or take a course he found uninteresting.
When asked to assess the probability of finding a suitable part-time job or doing meaningful volunteer work – which he said was an acceptable option or taking an acceptable course, he said the likelihood of at least one of the things happening and things working out okay for him well over 95%.
However, since he primarily focused on an unsatisfactory outcome, which was highly unlikely to occur, it is not surprising that he would experience a feeling of dread concerning this upcoming change.
Finally, unwanted patterns can combine feelings and behavior. When someone makes us very angry for very little reason, in addition to feeling this anger, we may lash out at this person with very little and, perhaps, no control.
Unwanted patterns persist and are difficult to overcome because of solid and related tendencies, the power of the status quo, and our resistance to change.
The power of the status quo is exemplified in a situation that occurred several years ago. An intake interview of a woman referred for counseling from the family court was conducted. Of such cases, approximately three-quarters included violence.
This case exceeded most in the intensity of the violence involved. The woman had been hospitalized twice for severe injuries resulting from her husband’s beating.
During the interview, which took place soon after the conclusion of her second hospitalization, she was asked what she planned to do next. After a short pause to think, she said: “I supposed I’ll give it one more try.” The ultimate resolution of the case is unavailable.
Our resistance to change is the second strong feeling that makes overcoming old, unwanted patterns difficult. An interesting illustration of this can be experienced by deciding to make one of the following changes for just one day.
Move everything you usually put in your left pocket into your right pocket and vice versa. Or move everything on the right side of your desk to the left side and vice versa. Or move things around in the kitchen or some other room in the house.
Most persons who do this experience extreme discomfort at first until they get adjusted to the changes. Even thinking about doing such a thing can bring feelings of resistance – one does not want to do this. And these changes are relatively minor, certainly compared to things such as a career change or a change in a significant relationship.
The power of the status quo and the resistance to change reinforce one another. They are both often strengthened by feelings of low self-esteem and unrealistic beliefs such as “The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know.”
If I go out with someone I like, I could be trapped for life”. “I do not deserve or am incapable of a better situation.”
The first significant step in overcoming old, unwanted patterns involves attaining or trying to attain appropriate awareness.
Appropriate awareness may involve becoming aware of one’s goals to begin to move towards these goals. Or it may affect the more difficult task of becoming more aware of the unwanted patterns themselves.
What precisely are these unwanted patterns? Are they inappropriate ways of looking at things, such as was the case for the man retiring to Florida?
- In another example of inappropriate ways of looking at things, a recently treated woman tended to classify all men as either very exciting but totally irresponsible or responsible but very boring. Such black-and-white-without-shades-of-gray thinking often limits one’s capabilities or desires to take appropriate action, such as going out with many men and seeing how they differ in various ways.
- Taking appropriate actions, our second major step in overcoming old, unwanted patterns, is often tricky. As we have seen already, the two mighty forces of maintaining the status quo and resistance to change strongly oppose taking such actions.
- Additional factors may also make taking these necessary actions more difficult for some persons and impossible for others. These include four elements:
1. Not knowing specifically how to carry out changes.
Thus, someone may not know how and where one should look for a new job or career or determine whether one can live alone financially after being somewhat dependent on someone else; or how to live with someone else after having been alone for so long.
2. Not knowing the appropriate pace to carry out these changes.
When looking for someone to date, should someone go out looking once a week, once a month, or more or less often than either of these alternatives? If someone is angry about doing all the housework, should that person stop doing some of these tasks, which ones, and for how long?
3. Realizing that starting to make a change can be the most challenging part of the change process.
Sometimes doing a little something concerning the desired change on one day can make it much easier to make a lot of progress on the following day. This may be referred to as the “breakthrough effect.” For example, you are looking for a new job and can’t bear reading want ads. However, if you do that for just ten or fifteen minutes the first day, it will likely be much easier to do this for a much longer time, such as an hour, the next day.
4. Often, people believe in the all-or-nothing phenomena regarding change or alternative behaviors.
First, you should realize that very few changes are irreversible when you begin the process of carrying out change. Also, it would help if you tried to focus as often as possible on why you are trying to carry out the particular change.
This is very important since another powerful force that often seems to enter people’s minds during the change process, especially when things are not going as well as had been hoped, is: “Why did I make this change and not just stick with the way things had been before?”
At such times, it is essential to reinforce why one DID make the change and recall, specifically, what the problems were with the previous situation before the start of change. During times of difficulty, the thought that “things will never good as they used to be” often creeps into one’s consciousness. This thought is rarely true, however.
Awareness of the above four factors can help a person bring about desired changes more quickly. Not only are unwanted behaviors changed, but unwanted feelings are also likely to be shed or significantly reduced.
Unwanted feelings may even be alleviated or eliminated by simply becoming more appropriately aware of one’s goals and taking meaningful action actions towing out these goals.
However, carrying out these changes, even with an awareness of the above four factors, is often not easy.
Sometimes it is very helpful or even necessary – to use the help of a therapist. A skilled therapist can help gain sufficient awareness and take appropriate actions, the two significant steps in overcoming old, unwanted patterns.
An experienced therapist should be able to sense the appropriate pace of change for each person with whom they work and guide each person in a supportive manner, at or close to that pace, toward the goals established by the person in therapy.
The most appropriate approaches to change are those that are, for the most part, oriented toward present real-life problems; those that involve an understanding and awareness of one’s current thoughts, feelings, and goals; and those in which the role of the therapist is to help the person in therapy to both understand one’s thoughts and feelings and to move toward one’s goals at an appropriate pace.
Dynamic Psychotherapy is oriented in this way. Click here to see more about Dynamic Psychotherapy.
Gender need not be an essential consideration in the choice of a therapist. As factors likely to affect the therapy’s successful progress and overall outcome, an experienced therapist who is strong at seeing problems from the perspective of the person in treatment and the general orientation of the therapist are far more important than gender.
Clinical psychologist points out that sometimes a therapist of the opposite gender will facilitate the emergence of feelings about the opposite gender during the therapy. This can often speed the resolution of problems in conjunction with these feelings, enabling one to move more quickly toward desired goals.